A few years ago, I wore a backwards baseball cap to a friend’s birthday celebration at an East Village bar.
Maybe I didn’t like my haircut; maybe I wanted to feel sporty — it feels like a crucial distinction now, but honestly, at the time, it was probably a little of both. Have enough single friends trade enough bad-date war stories, and you’ll eventually hear the one about the guy who, with his hat on, looked like Prince William circa St.
I had to pretend like I didn’t know he was hiding it the whole time — it was mortifying.” Surely this effort was all for naught — wouldn’t Jean have gone on that Bumble date even if he’d had a bald spot? “Well, if someone has a great job and great personality, then the bald thing is fine,” she says, “but if they don’t have those things — and you can’t r tell on a dating app — I hate to say it, but I think the bald spot would have put me off.When you don’t have that much to go on, the photos matter.” The hatfish, then, may just be par for that smoke-and-mirrors first stage of dating, when you use a three-year-old selfie from a trip to Bali or fudge your height an extra inch or two — one of those innocuous white lies that lands you a first date and the opportunity to win someone over to the extent that height or weight (or hairline) doesn’t even matter.“Obviously we all ‘perform’ gender to a certain extent, but the baseball cap only has these associations because we assign it that sporty jock meaning.More often, I’m wearing hats just because I just like the way it looks or I don’t want to do my hair.” In the club or on an app, the idea that a baseball cap tricks romantic partners into thinking you’re some masc bro feels like a stretch.When I arrived, another friend looked right through me before doing a double take: “Oh wow, I almost didn’t recognize you. Andrews and, with his hat off, like Prince William circa the Royal Wedding.
You look so different.” I laughed it off, though the absurdity of the comment rankled. When I was single and using dating apps, I’d learned to left-swipe those guys whose heads — and more importantly, hairlines — were strategically obscured in photos: Puppy-dog selfies with half the forehead out of frame, a Carhartt beanie while making snow angels, a fitted Yankees cap for a beer with the bros. To be fair, I’d generally give guys wearing hats IRL the benefit of the doubt — though anyone who’s keeping his hat on in a setting that can’t be remotely categorized as “active” should be considered suspect.Stilettos say something different than sneakers; a peacoat something distinct from a bomber.With gay men, hatfishing becomes complicated by the additional (and highly loaded) wrinkle of masculinity.If a guy willingly shows you what he looks like without a hat on — presumably because he doesn’t think he has anything to hide — can we still call him a hatfish?“I do think you can unintentionally hatfish,” says Deon.After we started dating, I realized that he wore his hats all the time to hide his bald spot.” Jean’s ex-boyfriend would have to wear suits to work but would keep a fitted baseball cap in his bag to put on for dinner or drinks afterward.