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But because I was only immersing myself in a vegan diet as a form of self-control again, I ultimately still felt like an empty shell.One day my boyfriend and I got in our weekly fight about me avoiding intimacy.I still don’t know who she is—the only thing I remember about her is that she had shoulder-length dark hair—but when I look back on my diary entries around this time, it was clear she awakened my same-sex attraction:“Women are magnetic. And it be not an ocean without a little salt.” —Personal diary entry, April 15, 2008That year I tried, timidly, to come out to my mom and best friend.

I loosely adopted Buddhism, developed a serious yoga practice, got several tattoos, and went vegetarian. It was a conversation starter, it was a political statement, and it was an invisibility cloak. The girls I did become close with were, as I describe them, the kinds of girlfriends who call each other “dude.” In middle school and high school I strived to revel in my otherness, shouting (figuratively, desperately), “” When I went to college I shrouded myself with other unique identifiers.Over the next month, I came out to myself again and again, floating through my daily activities with a new lens of queerness.“I’m gay,” I’d think as I cooked breakfast, scooped the cat box, or did Sun Salutations.I worked on respecting my body and finding a balance between eating for fun and eating for fuel. But sitting here today as an out lesbian, my depression has almost completely subsided. And if you’re wondering, I still drink a green smoothie every day, lift weights, and do yoga, but I also eat pepperoni pizza when I feel like it.

1996 - 2013 Déjà 4 ans qu'elle nous a quittée, ma souffrance est toujours aussi vive - je pense à elle tous les jours - elle a partagé mes joies, mes peines, elle m'a aidée à supporter les moments difficiles - elle était devenue sourde, aveugle, incontinente, je l'ai accompagnée jusqu'au dernier souffle de sa v...At the beginning of the yoga class I started taking each week, I’d set my intention for the class: “Be happier.” In trying to remember how exactly to be happy, I romanticized my past, thinking that reclaiming veganism was the answer.I got into green smoothies, traded chicken for tofu, and lost myself in aspirational vegan lifestyle You Tube channels like those of Ellen Fisher and Kate Flowers.I loved the attention I got from other people: They gawked at my newly muscular upper body, questioned my pill chest full of vitamins and supplements, and admired my ability to eschew donuts at the office in favor of reheated cod and green beans.Forcing myself to eat the same meals every day and bullying my body to grow provided a masochistic sense of satisfaction—one that seemingly paid off when I achieved International Federation of Bodybuilding and Fitness (IFBB) professional status in 2015, my second year competing.That kind of rapid success is unheard of in the bodybuilding industry, and I should have been prouder of myself than I was.